Living in the Rainbow

Society is not comfortable talking about infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth and death in general.  One would think that perhaps Christians – with a faith in a life after death and a God who came down and met us in our place of suffering – would be more comfortable with these subjects.  Sadly as a whole they are not.

When facing the loss of a baby (with or without conception) one is marooned on a sea of superficiality.  One is surrounded by the saltwater of “how are you” conversations followed by awkward silences and hasty “changes of the subject”.  What you most desire is at first glance everywhere, but upon further investigation nowhere to be found.  Emotionally one is left parched from thirst or gagging from attempts to drink!

My wife and I have been blessed with some fantastic friends who have truly been there for us on so many levels.  But beyond this close circle…  a desert of water!  Conversations over coffee at church, interactions with work colleagues, talking over the fence with a neighbour all leave you gagging for identity.  One is left stumbling to find ones place as father or mother.  How can one value the life that was, or equally difficult the life that never has been.

People do not have the emotional bandwidth to engage with you.  They are not necessarily bad people.  Fortunately most people have not experienced the range of pain you have and consciously or unconsciously don’t want to “go there”.  Given the choice I wouldn’t have “gone here” either, I didn’t choose this path – who would?

Is it possible to find my identity in God alone?  To cast my burdens onto him who truly understands me inside out?  But even if I could, is it right to let this cling-film wrapped, fast-food convenience society condition how I behave.  On behalf of all those struggling, broken, people out there shouldn’t someone dare to be honest for a change and hang the consequences?