In the last few years, life has gotten complicated. What had previously been simple and fantastic – being husband to a wonderful wife and father to a great son – was overshadowed by a difficult and at times overwhelming roller coaster.
We were unable to conceive a second time and after two and a half years trying for a baby we went for infertility treatment. After the problem was diagnosed (my falling sperm count) we were told we were not that likely to conceive naturally. Five days later we found out we were expecting a baby! What a miracle! We thanked and praised God and looked forward to having our second child. This was the high point on our roller-coaster ride.
Things started to unravel at the 20 week scan when we were told our baby was not developing correctly. We prayed and trusted God. For 13 further weeks we had regular scans and appointments. We found out our baby was a girl and named her Abigail Joy. Finally, on the day of a planned C-section, at one final scan, the doctor told us that there was no heartbeat – our daughter Abigail had died. My wife gave birth to Abigail naturally two days later (19 October 2008), my wife and I were both completely heartbroken. The roller-coaster went into free-fall.
Our dream had become a nightmare. Our hopes were now hopelessness.
We were well supported by our church and friends and we did feel God close to us during this time. We had a beautiful funeral service. Days became weeks, weeks became months. The roller-coaster car came to a stop but we were unable to get off... We were stunned by our grief. We have gradually been working through our grief and this blog has been part of that process for me.
We returned to infertility treatment and after six more months of test we were told that we won’t be able to have any more children (without a miracle that is). This diagnosis resulted in a second wave of grieving for my wife and I. Since then we have been learning to find completeness as a family of 3 here (1 in heaven!).
More recently we have decided to start the process to adopt a child into our family. We are excited about this journey but are also mindful of the stresses on this journey and the potential for disappointment. We are not looking to replace Abigail but we do believe we have the capacity to love another child with all our hearts and welcome them into our family.
About the blog
The purpose of this blog is to reflect on my journey of grief, infertility and now possible adoption directly but also refract it through the lens of my faith. As a Christian, I am trying to find a way of navigating through life’s storms whilst simultaneously rebuilding my shaken faith.
Some things have helped me on this journey. Here are some poems I wrote for Abigail’s funeral and also some songs about stillbirth which have really resonated with me. Also here is a letter I wrote for Abigail over the first anniversary weekend.
If you want to know more about our story then check out the my story posts. In the year which followed Abigail’s death, I used these posts to capture my memories of my daughter’s short life, death and the grieving which followed. They include:
- The joy of finding out we were pregnant after years of infertility
- The ultrasound when everything started to unravel
- Finding out we were expecting a girl and naming her Abigail
- The day Abigail died – 17 October 2008
- The day Abigail was born still – 19 October 2008
- Abigail’s funeral service
Of course you could just check out the recent posts or the archive history too!
As this blog’s title suggests, I aim to survive the storm, but also hope to spot the odd ray of sunshine on the way. Whatever circumstances have led you to stumble across this site – I hope and pray you can do the same.
Thanks for sharing your story. I have been reading in tears. I came across your site while googling music for a stillborn’s funeral – and your list of music is beautiful and inspiring.
My little boy died at 23+1 and I delivered him on 30th Januray 2010. We hope we have some answers from the PM. At 21 weeks we were told our baby was small for dates, but didn’t worry too much as my daughter was small at full-term. It was at a growth scan 2 weeks later that we saw Finley had died. I cna so relate to what you have said about knowing the sex. For two weeks Finley became our son – a little person rather than ‘it’ or ‘baby’ and it really helped me through the delivery as I connected with my son as a person.
Much love and strength to you and your wife x
By: Lorraine on 08/02/2010
at 2:04 pm
Lorraine
Thank you for visiting my blog. My heart breaks with you and for you at this terribly difficult time. Words are completely inadequate to express what I would want to say. I am so sorry your son is no longer with you growing inside you. I am so sorry that you are not looking forward in hope and anticipation and naitity to the birth of your son Finley. Sometimes life is so hard and my thoughts, hopes and prayers are with you.
It is such early days for you and I don’t know what to say. It does get easier but it does take time. I hope you can find comfort from your friends and family. And if you are wired like me, I hope you can find some similar minded people on the web too. I certainly would love to hear from you again and hope you stay in touch.
Peace and Healing to you and your family
By: livingintherainbow on 08/02/2010
at 2:44 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. Surviving the loss of a beloved child can be such a stressful time, and I am so glad that I can read stories of those who have gone through this and are thriving and moving on with their lives…and still remembering their precious baby along the way. Congratulations on your choice to adopt.
By: Andrea on 05/02/2010
at 8:45 pm
Hmmmm… I just thought I left a response- but perhaps it didn’t work…
First- I am so sorry for your loss- and everything that you have been through- but I am thankful for your blog as I know that it will be so helpful to others- I’m glad that you found my blog, so that I could find yours and looking forward to reading more…
(I hope this works this time…)
Hugs-
Laura
By: Laura on 27/12/2009
at 6:16 am
Thanks, again for your comments and for persisting. It shouldn’t take time to appear now providing you use same credentials.
Thanks for your kind words and for your interest in the site. I think there is something powerful about knowing that we are not alone and sharing how we are growing (and struggling), our hope (and pain), our faith (and sometimes confusion).
Blessings
By: livingintherainbow on 27/12/2009
at 1:15 pm
I am so glad that you found my blog so that I could find yours! I am so sorry for you loss- I am looking forward to reading your blog and your thoughts!
Hugs-
Laura
By: Laura on 27/12/2009
at 6:14 am
Laura
glad to (virtually) meet you. I am on my phone at the moment so will be brief for now. The first time someone posts here it awaits for approval, after that you can post away.
I really appreciate what I have read at your site so far. Perhaps we can only tell what our faith is when it is tested? I really rated your “curveball” sermon too.
I will reply further in due course when have a computer.
Peace to you
By: livingintherainbow on 27/12/2009
at 8:53 am
Hi – I find blogging great – I can write and express myself whenever I feel the need, connect with like-minded people /people who understand where I am coming from and feel less isolated in our own experience cos after all, infertility or bereavement don’t tend to come high in the conversation stakes.
I admire your faith and have a good friend that is struggling with infertility at the moment and putting all into her prayers. I have to admit when I had my last miscarriage I decided that God was definitely male cos no female would put so many women through this!! Anger at God, at Mother Nature, at anything, definitely featured in my grief.
I am usually the sort of person who generally thinks things always work out for the best but not when it came to my miscarriages, I couldn’t accept it and I can only imagine your grief at losing Abigail after conceiving following fertility treatment.
The way I am looking at it now is not that the miscarriages happened for the best but they did happen and as a result, we will adopt and we will bring into our family children that otherwise we wouldn’t have met. Who knows, we may end up adopting many more than one. Even though I am self-employed and love what I do, I would give up the business and become a mum 24/7 given half a chance.
I look forward to reading about your journey towards adoption and how it differs/is similar to our experience here in Ireland.
Lorna
By: irishlorna on 06/12/2009
at 5:53 pm
Lorna
So much in your comment, where to start.
LOL re God being male. I know faith and belief is a very personal thing but personally I don’t think it is God who inflicted Abigail on me. I believe God hates death and disease and the rest and that he is as sad about Abigail’s life being cut short as I am. Also, it means a lot to me that God also saw his son die and that at some level he knows what I am going through.
I know about working out for the best, some things are just rubbish and that is that. But, that said I do think God can bring good from bad even though they were bad in the first place. That was the idea behind this post
http://livingintherainbow.com/2009/10/09/can-good-come-from-bad/
And of course you are right that adoption can be one example of that.
Thanks again
By: livingintherainbow on 06/12/2009
at 6:16 pm
[...] About [...]
By: Infertility in the bible « Living in the Rainbow on 05/11/2009
at 9:33 am
Hiya, thanks for your message on Max’s site the other day, I wanted to tell you of a song which when we sang it in church bought me closer to God and to Max in all the pain, its called Lost in Wonder http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Nuv1YYVK6Q
I was lost in wonder with Max and I am restored in Gods love, it helped to know I wasnt in anyway responsible for Max dying (which as his Mum really struggled with) and another to feel Gods love in my heart http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLNL49TFC_8&feature=fvw
and to remind myself what its all for
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMrAafe7Mns&feature=related
I hope you like them,
God bless you and your wife and both your precious children
Sian
x
By: Sian on 24/10/2009
at 5:49 pm
Sian
You are welcome about visiting Max’ site.
Thanks for the songs, I knew the first two of these but not the last one. They are good
God bless you and yours
By: livingintherainbow on 24/10/2009
at 11:06 pm
Hi Michael
Found your site via Caz. I’m really sorry to hear your story, but I love your approach of choosing to live in the rainbow of God’s promises… not always an easy thing to do. In fact, probably never an easy thing to do.
My hubbie and I run a support group called Born Sleeping for folks like us, who’ve been through the trauma and pain we’ve been through – whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or neo-natal death. Feel free to browse the website http://bornsleeping.googlepages.com, to email us bornsleeping(at)gmail.com, or to hook up with us on Facebook (the group is called Born Sleeping). I know that Caz has found a friend through the Facebook group (not me!) and also found the website helpful.
We started the group because when we got back to SA 3 months after Zoe died, we found there was very, very little support (i.e. practically nothing!) for bereaved parents. Although Compassionate Friends exists, the Cape Town chapter had nothing to offer us because they rely on the parents who are members & none of their then-current members had had a similar experience. We also felt though, that losing a child in this manner is VERY different to losing a child later on in its life. Rather than simply bemoan the fact, we decided to offer to others what we felt we needed.
I also just want to say: well done for blogging! It’s rare to find a guy who is willing to be open about his grief, and all the more so in South Africa (where, I’m afraid, most men still hold firmly to the Camel man image when it comes to this sort of thing).
God bless you as walk the hard road of grief, and as you try to piece your life back together. May you be able to rest in the peace that passes all understanding.
Nixgrim
By: Nixgrim on 22/10/2009
at 11:47 am
Nixgrim
Thank you for visiting my site and for your encouragement. You are right that it isn’t always easy to live in the light of God’s promises but I think it is harder not to! I need to hold on to God because sometimes he is all I have got.
I took a look at the “born sleeping” page as you suggested and it is great. Well done for setting this up. Whilst I am sure nothing makes your loss of Zoe worth while, I am sure it is encouraging to be able to bring good from the bad. Allow God to redeem the situation. I am sure through this you have been able to help many and will help more to come. I should point out that I am not from South Africa. That said I would happy add a link to it from my blog – the link I followed required me to log in to google account – do you have a page that doesn’t as I would rather link to this.
Yes I have been surprised by how few men blog compared to women. For me it has been very helpful to express my story and my faith struggles but also to make contact with people going through similar things.
God bless you and yours
By: livingintherainbow on 22/10/2009
at 12:52 pm
Hi. Thanks – a link would be fabulous! It’s odd that you have to log in… the actual site has moved since Google shut down Google Pages, so the true url is http://sites.google.com/site/bornsleeping/, but as the other url is supposed to point to it, there shouldn’t be a hassle. Hmm… anyway, try this one and see if it works for you.
Blessings!
Nixgrim
By: Nixgrim on 22/10/2009
at 4:32 pm
It seems to work in Internet Explorer so the problem is my side – anyway I have added the link.
By: livingintherainbow on 22/10/2009
at 5:11 pm
Michael… I thought you might like this. See http://confessionsdailydevotions.wordpress.com/2009/08/20/loving-my-child-and-loving-god/
By: Matt on 21/08/2009
at 2:35 am
Hi Michael, thanks for stopping over and meeting me & my sweet girls. I’m so sorry that our Abigail’s aren’t here with us, but I take comfort in knowing that they’re together and that they patiently wait for us to join them.
As you’re fully aware, this is a journey that’s wrought with pitfalls and potholes; such anguish is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why God chose us to endure such heartache–to take us to a place where there is supernatural faith.
Perhaps a journey such as ours is to give us a glimpse of what anguish He endured in providing His only Son for us. I don’t know the ‘whys’ of His plan. I do know that somehow a deep faith is grown in the Shepherd’s Valley (Ps 23). I also know that sometimes His Will involves the unthinkable, truly proving that His ways are not our ways.
I know I will never ever stop aching for missing my Abigail and her younger sister Anne–not on this side of heaven. But heaven has never been closer for me in these long five years since Abigail moved to the Other Side of the Rainbow.
I’m glad to have met you. To link arms & bear witness to our Treasures in Heaven is very much a God thing. I will keep you & yours in my heart ♥
By: Vickie Bacon on 16/07/2009
at 8:04 pm
Vickie
Thank you for stopping by here too. And for your kind and encouraging words. It is good to be able to reach out across the world to people who are on a similar journey.
I think people who have lost a baby would never say “I know what you are going through”. I can barely imagine what it has been like for you without Abigail and Anne. I just pray that God will continue to strengthen you and keep you close to himself.
Thanks for your rainbow comment – got me thinking. Check this out
http://livingintherainbow.com/2009/07/17/over-the-rainbow/#more-310
God Bless You
Michael
By: livingintherainbow on 18/07/2009
at 11:37 pm
Vickie
Not sure if you saw this post before either – it was one of my first.
http://livingintherainbow.com/2009/07/08/stillbirth-poem-grief-laced-with-hope/
When I wrote this for the funeral the title was “To Abigail Joy”. I am sure you get the “My Joy is now the Father’s” line more than most. It isn’t to say my emotion Joy is now the Father’s but my daughter “Father’s Joy – Abigail” is now the Father’s
Anyway thought I would share it with you for your Abigial too.
Blessings
By: livingintherainbow on 18/07/2009
at 11:37 pm
Dear Michael:
I’m so glad you’ve decided to share your experiences with us. I’m deeply sorry for the loss of Abagail. Please know that it is OK to be angry with God. However, in His own time and in His own way, He will reveal to you the purpose and meaning of what happened. Also, be comforted knowing that you now have your own Saint in heaven that you can turn to as an intercessor with the Lord.
While in prayer this morning, I came to the realization that I had been fully compensated by God for my loss of Luke… both by my new son Andy and by the deepened and strengthened faith that I’ve been brought to by the Holy Spirit. I know that due to your fertility circumstances you won’t likely be blessed with another child, but God will find another way to repay you for your loss. And you will find that what you receive in return will more than make up for the anguish you went through in your loss.
God Bless. –Matt.
By: Matt on 16/07/2009
at 1:00 pm
Thanks Matt. And thank you for visiting this site too. Only been going a week now so still working out how to go about things.
Thank you for your kind words about Abigail and your encouragement.
It is amazing to hear that you feel you have been “fully compensated” for the lss of Luke. That is a long way from where we are and I think I thought that final reconciliation would only occur in heaven…
Anyway, God bless you on the path he has chosen for you. We may be blind leading the blind but at least we are still walking!
God bless
Michael
By: livingintherainbow on 18/07/2009
at 11:36 pm
Welcome, Michael! I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. I, too, am a Christian walking through the struggle of infertility, so I look forward to reading your thoughts and reflections here.
By: Hillary on 14/07/2009
at 5:32 am
Hillary – thank you for your kind words and for your interest in this site. Sorry about the struggles you have had and are having. I trust you know God with you in them.
Blessings
Michael
By: livingintherainbow on 19/07/2009
at 11:26 pm
thanks Michael for wearing your heart on your sleeve. i appreciate this window into your world! As a friend who isnt on this same journey as you are it helps me see things a little more!
love
Jon
By: jon on 13/07/2009
at 11:49 am
Thanks Jon – well blogging is cheaper than therapy after all!
By: livingintherainbow on 19/07/2009
at 11:26 pm